“Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.“ 
- Mark Twain

Today

What Is Your Net Worth?

Your Net Worth in this life, is not measured in dollars and cents. It is what you are worth, to the world and to its people.

It is the smile you give, to a passing sullen stranger.

It is the listening ear you offer, to a crying friend.

It is the change you give, to a hungry beggar

It is the stretching of a hand, when someone else is struggling with the door.

It is the tough words you dish, to rein in a wayward friend, when no one else wish to speak up.

It is the standing up to a bully twice your size, when he is kicking someone you don't know, while everyone else is watching passively.

It is the little wink you make at a baby, and watch her face light up with delight.

It is the sharing of an umbrella to a stranger, caught in the rain.

It is what you do, to make the world just a tiny bit better, while you are in it.

Nett of everything, this is what you are Worth.

So forget the dollars and cents.  It is not what you earn or have, that makes up your net worth.

It is what you Give.

Things In Life

There are many things in life that will catch your eye, but only a few will catch your heart... pursue those.
--Michael Nolan

Romantic Relationships Are Not Romantic

Ah... romantic relationships... 

The joy and bane of our human existance.

The very same thing that send us to a deliriously sweet heaven, or the deepest pits of hell.
And sometimes to both at the same time.  :)

Most of us, at one point or another in our lives, enter into romantic relationships.

But more often than not, we never stop to think why.

Why do we enter into romantic relationships?  What is the purpose of that?

Most often, we enter into such relationships because we think we are "in love" :

Because this person serves our desire to be loved.  

Other times, it can be more practical.

Because this person fulfills our other needs:

 - physical (sex)

- material comfort (money)

- practical (companionship, joint housekeeping and expenses, partner to raise kids)

- status / ego (trophy partners, protrays one's desirability)
- to be emotionally recognized / understood

Or to allay our fears:

- not to die lonely / without heirs

- power (to ally two rich families to forge a formidable / undefeatable union)
etc

I tend to think that most people falls under the first catagory:

They enter into relationships simply because they fell in love.

The "purpose" of it never did come into consideration. 

In the beginning of romantic relationships, it is incredibly easy to share good times together; 

a joke and laugh, 

a song and dance, 

a dinner and a smile. 

The person sitting opposite to us, perfectly lit under the cosy orange lights, becomes the best thing ever. 

So sweet and heart-warming, isn't it?

And then, time sets in and the glow wanes gradually.  With the toil of day-to-day life, under the stark fluorescent lights, we see our Prince Charming turns into Prince Harming.  

The Beautiful Princess morphs into a Pain In The Ass.

And after that, ladies and gentlemen, what did we learn?

That he person is total asshole?  That she's a psychotic bitch?  

That this person should not be legally allowed to roam the earth without first having a fluorscent warning label stuck to his/her forehead?

That's total bullshit (pardon my language). 

And often, that's the bullshit we feed ourselves with, in order to assuage our ego and emotions when it comes all crushing down.

Perhaps the truth is, we had simply wanted this person to serve our own needs (eg, to be adored).  But when we discovered that our partners did not live up to our expectations (he's actually withdrawn and unaffectionate), we pin the fault onto them. 

Wait a min....

So did we really love this person, or did we love the function he/she served?

The truth is, it was simply a relationship of "needs exchange" - you give me what I need, I give you what you need.  So naturally, when one party no longer gives it, the relationship breaks down.

Most people will probably agree that this is the type of romantic relationship we are most commonly having, whether we had thought about the purpose of the relationship before entering into one, or not.

In my opinion, the primary function of a romantic relationship is not romance (sorry, lovebirds). 

Relationships are actually meant to serve and fuel our growth, as it is possibily one of the best way to learn about ourselves.

For it is in no other situations do we find ourselves as serverely tested, as when we are involved in one.   

Although any relationship fully involves another person, if we view its function, its PURPOSE, as a mirror - reflecting back to us our deepest selves -  the primary responsibility and focus will be no longer on our partner. The responsibilty shifts back onto ourselves.

Say what?

So if a partner cheats on me, I am supposed to see it as my personal growth, while seething with anger and having my emotions shred to shreds?

Well, yeah.

To me, romantic relationships function to provide opportunities for us to cultivate and demonstrate our best qualities, even under difficult circumstances.  Especially in difficult circumstances.

Look.  In life, we all know that there is no way that we can change anyone, or stop anyone from doing something that we do not agree with.

Often, we find it extraordinarily difficult to even change certain aspects of ourselves, so it will only be foolish to try to change someone else.

(The person has to want to change something for him/herself.)

Operating under this premise, so what happens, when our partner ceases to be loving, and you can't change a damn thing about it? 

Well, the big question is, what do YOU want to reflect of yourself, in this situation?

Do you want to reflect yourself as a raving and ranting lunatic?

Do you want to reflect yourself as a petty 'revenge' seeker for your unjustified pain?

Do you want to pretend that you are ok with the situation, and live in quiet misery (read : escapist) ?

Do you want to admit to yourself that this is something that is not healthy for yourself in the longer term?

Do you want to give your apprecation to this person for having been in your life, and then step gracefully out?

(Oh, I've done all of the above. Not nessarily in that order though  :p  )

In the end, what we choose to do/act/behave, is not about our partner - it is simply a reflection of ourselves.
It is very easy to be a nice, loving person, being so sweet that you causes diabetes, while the other person is being the same with you.  But what happens when the partner is not?

Well, it is only through tough times, that you truly see what one is made of.
Yes - I am talking about YOU.  Showing your true self.

In time, after the drama ceases and the emotional aspects faded, and our beloved is only a memory, we think back.

That's when we can see our own role in the relationship more objectively, and learn what we have been, and how we have been, under those trying circumstances.  

Whatever perceived wrong was done onto us, or unjustified pain suffered, some of us would see how we have reacted / acted in certain ways we that we do not like, and make a decision not to be a person that reflects that anymore.  For the wrongdoers, we make a decision, not to act in ways that causes enormous pain and serves no positives to ourselves or others.   

That's how when we grow and evolve into better people.

Now, that is easy to say and do, when time has passed -  after the sting of the romantic mishap no longer hurts, and we no longer sneer while exchanging their name with something that rhymes with 'mother-trucker'.

The challenge is, while being mirred in current unsavoury circumstance, are we able to hold this thought in our head - that a relationship serves to reflect ourselves back to ourselves?

Not so easy.

However, there is this saying that goes 'If everyone sweeps their own stoop, the world will be clean.'

If we could act on the premise that we can :
not change a partner
simply do our own part
and reflect the best of our qualities, no matter the circumstances,
then our focus and responsiblity shifts from the insane obsession of our partner's actions, and gets shifted back onto ourselves.

I think that in this way, it also takes an enormous pressure out of our partner and relationships.  Who wants to feel the weight of being responsible for someone else's happiness / unhappiness, with their every action, right?

So no, in my opinion, romantic relationships are not very romantic.
They serve instead, as a great avenue for personal growth and reflection.

But, if you would like to buy me flowers or send me a diamond or ten, I can give you my address.  ;)

Passion

A flat safe life that dare risks nothing - thereby missing out opportunities of great happiness, joy and personal growth?  
Please.   Keep that for yourself. 

For me, a life devoid of passion is not a life worth living.

But let's not be naive now.  There is risk of course, that comes with baring our vulnerabilities, putting our hearts into the unknown and of living a life naked against an often harsh world.
We may break our hearts, our bodies, and maybe our bank accounts.
But it is only temporary. 

For passion is self-serving - like a soap can never be dirty beyond salvage, because a soap can be used to clean itself.  In the same way, the nature of passion is that it revitalises and rejuvenates.  Even the most weary soul.

So in reality, no one, and no one can ever extinguish the fire in a passionate spirit.

And no matter how seemingly insurmountable the hurdles, passion is what keeps life going with determination and joy.

So live life passionately!



And on this note, Happy Valentine's Day, you lovebirds!
For courageously putting your hearts out there, you deserve every lift in the spirits, every smile that warms you inside, and every joy of feeling your heart burst with love.

Hard to Say Goodbye

 

The familiar scene on my way home

(the shops lining the left side of the street)

It is just 10 days to my departure, and I have no words that are adequate for this overwhelming lump in my chest.

The friends that you have known and loved, who had previously left your country, and warmly welcomed you upon your arrival into theirs - how do you say goodbye to them again, now that it is you who is leaving?

How do you say goodbye, to the new people whose friendship you have forged, who translated every menu during every lunch from the native language to you so that you can order your food, who took you to places they know and hang out at, who welcomed you into their lives and took you as one of their own, whose secrets you have exchanged, whose burden you have beared, and whose laughter you have shared - how do you say goodbye to that?

How do you say goodbye, to the shop owners whom you go past every single day on your way out, whose language you do not share, but nevertheless greets you warmly with a smile and a wave each time you walk past, giving you a soothing comfort you've come to rely on daily - how do you tell them you are not gonna be walking past anymore?

How do you tell the restaurant wait staff, who already know you so well that they know what drinks you will order before you even sit down, who always say "See you tomorrow!" when you leave the restaurant - how do you tell them you won't be coming back?

It is so hard....

Tonight, I took a good look at the building which I have loved even before I had stepped into this country, which I have worked in for the past year, and it's just so beautiful - cozily lit in warm lights, proud and majestic against the white snow that's still floating gently down from the skies.  I stood there staring, taking in as much of this beauty as I could with my eyes, and burning the image into my mind as hard as I could.  I do not want to forget.

And then, something in me broke.  

As I stood in the streets, I started to cry.   

It is a chapter I have to close, and I know that I have to go.  

But gawd... 

It's so hard to say goodbye....